It’s always a good reflection to say, I wish I had known – the outcome of whether you married or not, to the same person or not, might have changed, but I heard a wise man say once, once you are married, you are married to the right person. So, what do we do now? We can warn those who come behind us of the pitfalls that we have fallen into, we can offer guidance to marriages that are failing, but the bigger question is in light of all of this, what can I do in my own marriage, given that it is hard, given that it is tiring, given that the man I dated was not all the same man I married. Marriage is the ultimate game of who wants to be a Christian?
As I thought about this and did some self reflection, I went back to the passage of Scripture I had read at my wedding, Phil 2:1-11. It’s what Jamison and I wanted emulated in our marriage. The ultimate expression of one submitted to another.
As Gary Thomas says, “The very essence of Christianity is found in Philippians 2.”
I remember it being read at my wedding and I remember the pastor instinctively saying, “wow.” – what I was saying before the world was this was the kind of life that I wanted to live out to my husband; one poured out as an offering before him. Let me just say, I have failed, but what a time to head forward.
Here are the 3 things I gave to my class on Thurs from Phil 2:
1. Be Synchronized vs 1-2
The essence of vs 1-2 is souls that beat together in tune with Christ and each other. It is like clocks that strike at the same moment. Be joined together in your views and inclinations. Whether you think you are or not, whether it feels like you are or not, you are on the same team! So often we get in a fight and I feel like Jamison is out to get me. I have heard him say on more than one occasion, “Jen, do you really think I want the worst for you? I want the best for you.” However, in the heat of the moment, we forget that we are one and we forget that we are aiming for the same thing and we immediately revert to my way or the highway. Paul is extorting the believers that since you have the same encouragement, since you have the same love, since you have the same fellowship then…keep on thinking the same thing. Instead of focusing on the differences, focus on the sameness. Focus on what you have in common.
Unite in vision, live in harmony, head in one direction.
Caution: Communication Required
Set priorities for your marriage. Ex/ Before our wedding, our pastor had us write down the top 5 priorities for our marriage/family before getting married. He encouraged us to post them and to use them as a guideline for our decision making. We have tried to do that and at times we have had to sit and revisit them and revise them. We didn’t know what we didn’t know when it came to children and that has caused us to rethink some of them. In addition, it takes some (not all) of the fire out of debates. It helps in conflict to say, we are on the same team, this is what we agreed on together. It also helps to say, how does this decision fit into our priorities. In our marriage it’s taken a lot of blood, sweat, tears and communication. We all walk into marriage with ideas of how things should be done based on our own experience, and it takes compromise to figure out what it will look like in our households. Have you and your husbands discussed your priorities?
2. Be Selfless vs 2-4
Stop: Thinking of your self
Marriage is not about what we get but what we can give.
When I first moved to Houston, Dr. Young was doing a series entitled the 10 commandments of marriage. Commandment #1 was: Thou shall not be a selfish pig. In essence, that is what vs 2-4 are saying here. Selfishness is doing something for gain; empty conceit is searching for your own glory. Stop looking out for just yourself. Paul goes on to say, think about and come to the conclusion that my husband is more important than me. This one is hard. For when we are selfish we are at war with everyone else.
From The 10 Commandments of Marriage
Symptoms of Selfishness (Pigitis as Dr. Young calls it): are you a pig?
You might be a pig if…
Focus on receiving rather than giving. (Do you focus on what he’s not doing or do you think about what you are doing for him?)
Impatient/self-centered vs. patient in spite of flaws (how do you respond to those things that drive you nuts? Do you nag?)
Outbursts in anger vs. responds gently and appropriately (do you shut down, blow up or work with him?)
Self protective vs. transparent and vulnerable (is your husband your best friend?)
Time Choices: how are you using your time? Do you have enough time to go to dinner, exercise, take care of the house/kids, play bunko but can’t find time for your husband? Are you giving him the leftovers?
Insensitivity: to be sensitive is to understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings and needs. Are you insensitive to his needs? Have you asked and truly listened to how his day was?
Expectations
You see, we enter into marriage with a whole list of our own exceptions, but have you ever stopped to ask him, what do you expect of me? You might be surprised to find that what he wants and what you are giving him are 2 radically different things. I thought he wanted June Cleaver when in reality he wanted a pat on the head, encouraging words and to feel respect. The rest of it was my views on what he wanted. We can’t fulfill that which we don’t know. Ask him, What says I love you to you?
Examine your Patterns of Behavior together
How are we going to handle money? How are we going to raise our kids?
3. Be Submitted (Servant) vs 5-11
Yield to your husband as to the Lord
The world has given us such a negative connotation of this term, but it simply means to place under rank. To yield. To Give Way. To put yourself under, to arrange yourself under someone, for a good and proper purpose. When we follow Christ’s example through submission, we are entrusting ourselves to the Lord, the one who judges justly. I have news for you, the Lord is more concerned with your husbands holiness than you are.
2. Be Selfless vs 2-4
Stop: Thinking of your self
Marriage is not about what we get but what we can give.
When I first moved to Houston, Dr. Young was doing a series entitled the 10 commandments of marriage. Commandment #1 was: Thou shall not be a selfish pig. In essence, that is what vs 2-4 are saying here. Selfishness is doing something for gain; empty conceit is searching for your own glory. Stop looking out for just yourself. Paul goes on to say, think about and come to the conclusion that my husband is more important than me. This one is hard. For when we are selfish we are at war with everyone else.
From The 10 Commandments of Marriage
Symptoms of Selfishness (Pigitis as Dr. Young calls it): are you a pig?
You might be a pig if…
Focus on receiving rather than giving. (Do you focus on what he’s not doing or do you think about what you are doing for him?)
Impatient/self-centered vs. patient in spite of flaws (how do you respond to those things that drive you nuts? Do you nag?)
Outbursts in anger vs. responds gently and appropriately (do you shut down, blow up or work with him?)
Self protective vs. transparent and vulnerable (is your husband your best friend?)
Time Choices: how are you using your time? Do you have enough time to go to dinner, exercise, take care of the house/kids, play bunko but can’t find time for your husband? Are you giving him the leftovers?
Insensitivity: to be sensitive is to understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings and needs. Are you insensitive to his needs? Have you asked and truly listened to how his day was?
Expectations
You see, we enter into marriage with a whole list of our own exceptions, but have you ever stopped to ask him, what do you expect of me? You might be surprised to find that what he wants and what you are giving him are 2 radically different things. I thought he wanted June Cleaver when in reality he wanted a pat on the head, encouraging words and to feel respect. The rest of it was my views on what he wanted. We can’t fulfill that which we don’t know. Ask him, What says I love you to you?
Examine your Patterns of Behavior together
How are we going to handle money? How are we going to raise our kids?
3. Be Submitted (Servant) vs 5-11
Yield to your husband as to the Lord
The world has given us such a negative connotation of this term, but it simply means to place under rank. To yield. To Give Way. To put yourself under, to arrange yourself under someone, for a good and proper purpose. When we follow Christ’s example through submission, we are entrusting ourselves to the Lord, the one who judges justly. I have news for you, the Lord is more concerned with your husbands holiness than you are.
Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts. It’s the disposition to follow a husband’s authority and an inclination to yield to his leadership.
Before we look at what I found about submission from the example of Christ, I want to say a few things about what submission is not.
- Submission does not mean putting the husband in the place of Christ (Piper).
- Submission does not include violating Scripture or following your husband into sin. It does not act in disobedience to God or the law.
- Submission does not mean surrendering thought. It does not mean no input on decisions or no influence on her husband. It does not come from ignorance or incompetence. It comes from what is fitting and appropriate (Colossians 3:18) in God's created order.
Vs 5 – Submission is an attitude first before it is an action
It begins with an attitude of entrusting oneself to God It is an attitude that says, “I delight for you to take the initiative in our family. I am glad when you take responsibility for things and lead with love. I don’t flourish in the relationship when you are passive and I have to make sure the family works.” (Piper)
- Submission does not mean putting the husband in the place of Christ (Piper).
- Submission does not include violating Scripture or following your husband into sin. It does not act in disobedience to God or the law.
- Submission does not mean surrendering thought. It does not mean no input on decisions or no influence on her husband. It does not come from ignorance or incompetence. It comes from what is fitting and appropriate (Colossians 3:18) in God's created order.
Vs 5 – Submission is an attitude first before it is an action
It begins with an attitude of entrusting oneself to God It is an attitude that says, “I delight for you to take the initiative in our family. I am glad when you take responsibility for things and lead with love. I don’t flourish in the relationship when you are passive and I have to make sure the family works.” (Piper)
Vs 6 – Submission does not mean inferiority nor does submission mean you are unequal
We are equal with different roles. The Greek word translated "equality" (isos) describes things exactly equal in size, quantity, quality, character, and number. AS women, we are given the role of helper – one who assists. We are our husband’s helper. Genesis 2:18, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” To help is to come along side someone. To help does not mean to be a one woman show! It is term of reverence and a term of honor. It is to help our husbands become all he is meant to be. The man was created to be the head of the family just as Christ as head of the church. When we refuse to submit to our husbands, we are in actuality refusing to submit to the way the Lord has ordered things. We submit so that God’s order and function may take place.
However, by His design to have a functional family, concessions have to be made. So God says, "Wives, you make it and you choose to put yourself underneath the headship of your husband" in order that the design can be what God says it ought to be. The meaning of it has nothing to do with inferior to superior. It takes nothing from the dignity of a woman for her to submit, but rather it enhances it. It takes great integrity for a person to do what God says should be done." It is an act of faith, just as Christ submitted to the Father.
We are equal with different roles. The Greek word translated "equality" (isos) describes things exactly equal in size, quantity, quality, character, and number. AS women, we are given the role of helper – one who assists. We are our husband’s helper. Genesis 2:18, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” To help is to come along side someone. To help does not mean to be a one woman show! It is term of reverence and a term of honor. It is to help our husbands become all he is meant to be. The man was created to be the head of the family just as Christ as head of the church. When we refuse to submit to our husbands, we are in actuality refusing to submit to the way the Lord has ordered things. We submit so that God’s order and function may take place.
However, by His design to have a functional family, concessions have to be made. So God says, "Wives, you make it and you choose to put yourself underneath the headship of your husband" in order that the design can be what God says it ought to be. The meaning of it has nothing to do with inferior to superior. It takes nothing from the dignity of a woman for her to submit, but rather it enhances it. It takes great integrity for a person to do what God says should be done." It is an act of faith, just as Christ submitted to the Father.
Vs 7 Submission is voluntary and cannot be demanded.
Vs 7 Submission does not mean sitting still/doing nothing
Christ Served
In His submission, Christ added to his deity and took on the form of a bond-servant. A bond-servant is one who willingly commits himself to a master he loves and respects; one he is surrendered to and devoted to.
What can I do to serve my husband today?
Christ Served
In His submission, Christ added to his deity and took on the form of a bond-servant. A bond-servant is one who willingly commits himself to a master he loves and respects; one he is surrendered to and devoted to.
What can I do to serve my husband today?
Christ also prayed (Matt 26:39 – if it is possible, may this cup pass from me, yet not my will but yours) – he had an opinion, but then laid it down in the garden when God said no.
Vs 8 – Submission is not conditioned on what anyone else does
Christ submitted to the Father on his own free will. It was not conditioned on what His father had done; it definitely was not conditioned on what we had done..
The fallacy we fall into today as women is well, Ephesians 5 teaches us that husbands are supposed to love us as Christ loved the church. Our command is to submit and to respect….regardless of what our husband does, assuming you are not in an abusive relationship. My respect, my submission is not conditioned on my husband’s actions. It is based on a love and obedience to my Heavenly Father.
Nor is it conditioned on your husband being a believer. Turn with me to I Peter 3:1-2
Christ submitted to the Father on his own free will. It was not conditioned on what His father had done; it definitely was not conditioned on what we had done..
The fallacy we fall into today as women is well, Ephesians 5 teaches us that husbands are supposed to love us as Christ loved the church. Our command is to submit and to respect….regardless of what our husband does, assuming you are not in an abusive relationship. My respect, my submission is not conditioned on my husband’s actions. It is based on a love and obedience to my Heavenly Father.
Nor is it conditioned on your husband being a believer. Turn with me to I Peter 3:1-2
Vs 11 – The purpose of Christ’s submission was to bring glory to God.
The purpose of our submission is the same – to glorify God as we follow His pattern and His plan for our marriage. When we live this way, it will look and feel different than what the world says/does and it will bring glory to God. Ultimately marriage is a picture of Christ and the church and if we do it well, who wouldn’t want to be a part of that kind of love!
The purpose of our submission is the same – to glorify God as we follow His pattern and His plan for our marriage. When we live this way, it will look and feel different than what the world says/does and it will bring glory to God. Ultimately marriage is a picture of Christ and the church and if we do it well, who wouldn’t want to be a part of that kind of love!
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1 comment:
awesome! I'll be sharing this post on my blog - what a wonderful refresher!!
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